When I’m wrong, I say I’m wrong

In order to fully choke this dead horse of a Dirty Dancing metaphor, I must quote Dr. BabyDaddy Houseman. (Also: the actor who played him was an organ donor and appears on organ donor PSAs in every freakin subway car in Blergistan and every time I see his face I wonder if the doctors who removed his eyeballs named one “Law” and the other “Order.” Really, Jerry Orbach was a hit machine when you think about it…)

Anyhoo. I was in the shower earlier talking to myself about this pickle in Afghanistan. “Schoprah,” I said, “First: that Lady Schick hasn’t been used in awhile. It’s a tetanus dispenser at this point. Second: Penny most definitely would’ve been better off without Robbie the creep—the neo-con artists in my metaphor—but Johnny the scrappy hottie with the heart and abs of gold eventually turned his back on her for the lefty educated girl.” Obama, clearly possessing a touch of the Swayze, is Johnny. And is it totally crass to compare Baby to Israel here? I mean…

I continued not shaving waiting for another message from myself:

“Maybe Penny would’ve been better off without either of them. It’s kind of paternalistic imperialistic to assume Afghanistan needs us. I mean, nothing has changed over there in the eight years we’ve been there. The government is corrupt as ever. Women still can’t press charges if they’re raped. Why does Obama think adding a marginal amount of our troops will make a difference? Why do we think having occupying forces in this rugged cardio-blasting terrain of a country is going to help? The US has never been occupied. [Knock on tile.] The last time we had foreign troops on our soil was in 1776. We don’t know shit about how to do this. It’s why we failed in Vietnam and are failing in Iraq.

Oh blerg. I think I might’ve misjudged this one a smidge.

But Afghanistan left it its own devices, without structure, won’t get any better. Won’t it? It’s never been left alone long enough to try. Aren’t there reasonable people living there who want stability and basic freedom? I think there are. So here’s what I would tell Penny: get the hell out of Kellerman’s, put down the bottle of bleach, start using the powerful leverage you have with Pakistan—who exploits your instability in order to piss off India, its real obsession—and DVR anything with Jerry Orbach. He’ll teach you a lot.”

If you’re dying for more cheeseball pop culture metaphors for the pressing global issues of our time, I’ll write a post called “Afghaniston: It’s the Pitts.”