In addition to being a wannabe Yid, I’m also a wannabe Puertoriquena. (In high school, I tried to convince a guy I was one-quarter Puerto Rican—my father’s mother—because I thought it would endear me to him. It failed.) So you can imagine my thrill when Sonia Sotomayor was officially confirmed as the first Boricua and the third mujer to the highest court in the land. There is lots of hometown pride here in New York, where there is a large Boricua population. Not to mention there’s the famous Puerto Rican Day parade every summer in my neighborhood where I always manage to get a free pork sandwich and a marriage proposal. (Also free.)
All this talk of the law and milestones and pioneers got Longtime and I discussing via G-Chat a serious issue Sonia Sotomayor will face: how is she going to accesorize her robe? Luckily, we figured it out. Here are Longtime and my thoughts on how you tackle that scary black sack:
1. It’s actually a very practical frock. You can hide snacks underneath it during long court sessions. Put some Jujyfruits and a Red Bull in there and call it a day.
2. Another plus: it hides stains well. Think of the money you’ll save on dry cleaning.
3. Longtime says she would go commando underneath. She likes that kind of thing. It’s like not wearing underwear in church, I suppose. I prefer undies, but if it’s hot out, I guess the robe will work in your favor here—just avoid subway grates.
4. I, on the other hand, would use the robe to hide squirt guns to shoot Clarence Thomas in the eye. Just a thought.
5. You can also fit a Kindle in there. Catch up on your Norah Roberts while some lawyer rambles on and on about mens rea.
6. Longtime pointed out that the robe is essentially judicial fat pants. No more worries about what to wear on your heavy days!
7. No one will be checking out your rack in that thing. Except Scalia. He’s a creep.
8. No one will mistake you for being in the KKK.
9. You don’t have to worry about charging bulls.
10. It’s the perfect platform to display scarves. It’s time to bring back the 80’s Career Woman Scarf! Here’s an instructional video to show you how to tie the perfect French Knot