So I keep hearing abut Jenny Sanford, the wife (ex-wife…?) of South Carolina govnerd Mark Sanford. I first read an article about her a few weeks ago in a back-issue of Vogue at the hairdresser’s. This is the photo she apparently chose to accompany her interview:Pretty saucy for a Republican, no? Everyone seems to have advice for Ms. Sanford, a former Wall Street executive and mother of four sons, about how to maximize her new-found fame and questionable political clout in the wake of her creepy ex’s scandal. I don’t think she needs any help. All I can do is tell her what I’d like to see her family’s inevitable future celebrity look like:
A TV SHOW!
Picture it: four rascally, chubby-cheeked boys and their newly-single but very Christian cougar mom. If I had Photoshop I’d superimpose her and her sons’ faces on this DVD cover. But I don’t so use your imagination. I would stop watching the Kardashians for this shit.
(When I was a small child, I had a babysitter. This babysitter liked to watch Guiding Light after lunch. I did not. And so during her hour of stories, I went to my parents room and watched their TV, which got two channels because they were too cheap for cable. The not-Guiding Light channel aired reruns of Sanford and Son and Amen. Twenty years later and I still hum their theme songs in the shower! I love Sherman Helmsley as much as the next person, but would it have killed them to put on Duck Tales once in a while???)
Do you think Mark Sanford sings “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” alone in his mansion at night? Oh, and he also belongs to this IBS-inducing right-wing extreme political group called “The Family,” made up of mostly Republican and some Democratic Congressmen (including Bart Stupak, target number one on my Shit List) who believe Jesus has a secret message for the rich and powerful to get even more money and power and to keep gay people from being gay and to keep women from controlling their own lives. No, seriously: if you read about it, you might lose control of your bowels. Proving my point that the Christian Coalition is just a less-garlicky Mafia.