And the winner of the “Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Who’s the Blergiest One of All” Contest Is…

Here is her winning prose:

My life has become even blergier since your last contest! Still unable to shake my unemployment, I decided to enroll in a training program in a medical technician field, though some friends and relatives thought I was overqualified for the career due to my collection of degrees. Lo and behold, I was rejected from said training program! So I’ve returned to the job search, where I continue to be rejected by all potential employers who cross my path. My unemployment benefits are running out, so my bank account balance is decreasing with a speed roughly equal to that with which my ass is expanding (Cheetos are my solace). Furthermore, the fellow whom I thought was my boyfriend recently introduced me at a party as his “friend”. Misfires on all cylinders!

Schmemily won a $10 Chipotle gift card. (Schmemily, you let me know that it arrived, yes?)