9 Things Sonia Sotomayor and I Have In Common

9 Things Sonia Sotomayor and I Have In CommonPeople are always noticing our exquisite taste.The author of this article—who I’m willing to bet is 100% Nilla—felt the need to highlight this important detail in the middle of Soto’s first court case: “By the end of the hour allotted to the case, Justice Sotomayor—wearing a snaky silver cuff bracelet and with her fingernails painted sports-car red—had spoken five times.” To be fair, Soto probably was the only one wearing nail polish—except Scalia, who I hear turns freaky on the weekends—and would stand out. It’s just so annoying when people compliment you all the time on your innate ability to accessorize. I have thoughts sometimes.

  1. The ghost of Fiorello LaGaurdia haunts us both. “When President Obama announced her nomination, on May 26th, it was clear that Sotomayor—who, two weeks later, fractured her ankle running late at LaGuardia…”Uh, I once tripped and fell over someone else’s suitcase trying to make it to the Auntie Anne’s in Terminal C before my flight boarded. I had nasty bruises on my knees for like, four days. LaGaurdia is THE WORST.
  2. There is no vaccine for boogie fever.“[She’s] a person who, the night before her investiture ceremony, belted out ’We Are Family’ in a karaoke bar at a Red Roof Inn.”  Sonia, if you ever want to do a duet to Patti LaBelle’s “New Attitude,” I know a great karaoke place on St. Marks.
  3. Lady Luck is our betch. “The financial-disclosure form that she filed with the Senate revealed that, in 2008, in a Florida casino, she had won $8,283 playing cards.” I won $300 pesos at a casino in Argentina, or roughly $7 dollars. GOD IS SHE COOL OR WHAT? I love RBG, but I doubt she’s been kicked out of a Black Jack table or made out with skeezeballs at the craps table in Atlantic City… (Schmiana, Schmippy—no comments please.)
  4. We work with an egomaniacal showboat who loves the sound of his own voice.“Sotomayor’s questions in her first week on the bench established her as the Court’s most exuberant rookie interrogator since Scalia, who, in 1986, had irked Justice Lewis Powell by hogging the floor. (“Do you think he knows that the rest of us are here?” Powell had whispered to Justice Thurgood Marshall.)” Scalia, the most senior member of the Triumvirate of Dicks—Alito and Clarence Thomas fill out the group—sounds like the worst. I feel your pain, Soto. I feel your pain. That’s all I can say.
  5. Text me when the line at Shake Shack is only 20 people deep.“Sotomayor invited her current clerks to her apartment, in Greenwich Village. ‘She was like, ‘O.K., guys, the second I’m done with the last interview I’m running home, we’re getting burgers!’” Sisterfriend!
  6. We’re constantly misunderstood. “’People who think she’s going to be a really reliable liberal on all issues—I don’t know!’ one of Sotomayor’s former clerks said.”Everyone thinks I’m 5’5, but I’m really 5’6.
  7. We will never pay retail!“Two days later, she chose a black pin-striped number that her girlfriends had brought back for her, along with twenty-five other possibilities, from a shopping expedition to the Woodbury Common outlets.” God I love outlet malls.
  8. We both love to judge people!One of us gets held in universal esteem and receives income for it…