27 answers to the inevitable question you will be asked this Thanksgiving: “Why are you still single?”

Cue Beyonce. I forced Longtime to help me come up with 27 foolproof replies (no special meaning to this number whatsoever) to the inevitable question your relatives will ask you unattached gals at the kiddie dinner table on Thursday. Our helpful list:
1. It turns out Adam Lambert is gay. Who knew?
2. John Krasinski took out a restraining order.
3. I actually joined a convent. [Whisper] And I took a vow of silence.
4. I’ve been on a cabbage and lentil diet and people just don’t seem to want to sit near me.
5. The way I talk about my cat, most people think I’m in a relationship.
6. Since I started watching Mad Men and Glee, I haven’t had time for a relationship.
7. It’s so weird: when I show guys my Precious Moments Collection, they get really distant.
8. E-Harmony said I was tone deaf.
9. They said if I kept coming back to the Twilight fan club meetings, they’d call the police.
10.  Ever since someone hacked into my RedTube account, I have real trust issues.
11. It’s the oddest thing: there’s an inverse relationship between the volume of my water bra and the number of dates I get.
12. All these collagen injections make it impossible to talk anymore!
13. I’d hate to “settle” down. Now how’s your fiancee’s Laserdisc business coming along, Cousin Sheila?
14. My ex didn’t want to name our first-born Shakira.
15. Guys just don’t seem to like it when I shout “Denzel” during sex.
16.  My application to be a concubine for a Saudi sheik is being held up in red tape.
17. I don’t have to share my Baskin-Robbins discount with anyone.
18. I get the shakes just signing a cell phone contract.
19. I sing Barry Manilow songs in my sleep.
20. Even the priest would snicker if I wore white.
21. Three words: Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
22. Ever heard of the phrase, “Dutch oven?”
23. My ad in the personals for a tall, good-looking, well-dressed, intelligent, mixed-raced politician from the Midwest has gone unanswered.
24. These sweatpants are like a second skin I wear them so much! See? No fuzzies anymore!
25. Guys are intimidated by my samurai collection and knowledge of fine wines.
26. I just can’t seem to meet any men at ceramics class!
27. I do whatever Oprah does.