All the filthy macabre secrets of the Republican candidates' wives

As they say, behind every strong man there is a strong adviser, and yammering into that adviser's ear is a harpy wife. To better know the women who will never be first lady, I've done some extensive research and compiled a helpful dossier on what the four remaining GOP presidential hopefuls' spouses don't want you to know.

Ann Romney (b. 1949)

Spouse: Mitt (m. 1969)

Pre-politics bio: Ann Messerschmidt Reifenstahl von Hindenberg Romney's Aryan uterus housed and expelled five robosons after chemically compounding with Mitt's battery acid splooge. She was originally a member of the Waspthedist church before converting to the Church of Latter-Day Saints. 

Fun fact: All their children were conceived while watching John Wayne movies, a traditional Mormon practice for turning sexless embryos into boys.

Hobbies: horseback riding, screaming into pillows, and flossing. 

Karen Santorum (b. 1958)

Spouse: Rick (m. 1990)

Pre-politics bio: Wow, this gal has what Dolly Parton in Steel Magnolias called "a past." The wife of the extreme anti-choice presidential candidate had a long-term love affair with an abortion doctor 40 years her senior... who ALSO delivered her as a baby. (No really, I'm not making this up.) There are so many Freudian issues happening here, I need Dr. Leo Marvin and Bob Wiley to babystep me through it all.

Fun fact: none.

Hobbies: crying into bottles of wine, watching old episodes of Days of Our Lives on VHS, and shouting the lyrics to Billy Joel's I Go To Extremes alone in the family station wagon.

Carol Paul (b. 1936)

Spouse: Ron (m. 1957)

Pre-politics bio: Carol's story is really quite tragic. Born in Pittsburgh, she thought she would live the cushy life of a doctor's wife when she married medical student and Lollipop Guild reject Ron, spending his money on diamonds and clothes so the government couldn't get their filthy hands on it. But as it turns out, her man had lower aspirations. When he was elected to Congress, she was forced to remove the trappings of wealth and play the role of pious Libertarian housewife.

Fun fact: She has always had a thing for Bill Murray in Scrooged.

Hobbies: purchasing items on HSN under the name "Michelle Obama," throwing darts at Nancy Reagan cork boards, and writing fan letters to Joan Collins. 

Callista Gingrich (b. 1000 BC)

Spouse: Newt (m. 2000)

Pre-politics bio: This lady has one helluva story, bare with me.

In the 1970s, the popularity of The Brady Bunch's youngest cast member, Cindy, reached fever pitch and the network executives wanted to exploit this for financial gain as network execs are want to do. They partnered with Marx Toys to create the oddly-spelled Sindy doll:





Fans were understandably confused and did not want their daughters playing with a doll that had the word "sin" in its name. Marx Toys, eager to destroy the product, burned all but one of the dolls. "This doll is special," the CEO said. "Send her to the Smithsonian." But the Smithsonian curator knew better and made a call to the CIA. The doll was moved to a special secret vault for toy memorabilia operated by the federal government. No one knows where it is or how to get inside it, except the President, Vice President, Speaker of the House, and Ryan Seacrest.

Twenty years later, Newt Gingrich found himself Speaker and demanded access to ALL of the secret vaults in the country. President Clinton acquiesced and Newt was taken in the cover of night to the memorabilia facility.

There was a terrible thunderstorm as his limo drove out into the countryside, so Newt soothed his nerves with a few tumblers of Johnny Walker Black. When he arrived and roamed among the laser-protected treasures, he was stricken by the most magnificent face he'd ever seen. It was Sindy. Her round, beady eyes looked at him with unwavering compassion, unlike any woman he'd known. Newt rubbed his eyes. Was he drunk? He didn't know. He didn't care.

At the exact moment he moved to caress the doll's face, a bolt of lighting struck the generator that powered the facility's electricity. Sparks flew and the lights, including the lasers, went out. Newt seized the moment, grabbed Sindy and ran, ran as fast as he could through the stinging rain and deafening thunder to the safety of his limo. He held Sindy in his palm and for the first time in his troubled, empty life, his heart flooded with a feeling he knew must be love.

The next morning, he put Sindy in his briefcase and demanded a meeting with the country's best cryogenic scientist and the writers from Small Wonder to see what could be done. (In a twist of fate, one of the Small Wonder writers had created the role of Kitty Carry All, Cindy's stuffed companion, on The Brady Bunch.) They stared at the lifeless doll and shook their heads. "It'll take some serious, unprecedented work," the scientist told him. Newt slammed his fist on the table. "Whatever it takes. MAKE HER REAL."

The following weeks were agony. He wrestled with images of Sindy's face interrupting his Congressional duties. Her shiny blonde hair taunted his dreams at night. Then FINALLY the scientist called. "I'm sorry," he said. "Mr. Speaker, I'm afraid... We lost her in an experiment. She's gone. There is really nothing we can do." The Speaker dropped the phone and felt molten to the floor. The love of his life was gone. He was crushed. How could he go on?

Two days later, a staffer from the office of Congressman Steve Gunderson (R-WI) walked in his office to drop off a report from the House Agricultural Committee. Newt looked up from his empty bottle of JWB and saw a shiny yellow helmet bobbing in the distance. Her eyes were sharp yet warm, just like Sindy's. She noticed the speaker looking at her curiously. "What's your name?" he called out. "Callista," she said. He smiled and motioned for her to approach his desk.

"Blow me?" He asked, spreading his legs. She bent down on her knees and went at the deed continuously for the next seven years, until a streak of impotence abruptly killed Newt's sex drive just as the bolt of lightening had given him Sindy that stormy night.

Then they got married.

Fun fact: She has the symbol of Opus Dei tattooed on her lower back.

Hobbies: Staring, blinking, (maybe) breathing.