In the wake of Cain's shocking departure (I'd love to see him and Greta Von Steroideron hate-flirt on Fox News), he leaves behind more than a few GOP terd muffins and jagweeds left in the presidential race. Oh the Hermanity...
So as the primaries are soon to kick off, which cornholes are the widest? Let's toss these lumpy bags and see where they land!
1. Walking erectile dysfunction Newt Gingrich. His numbers have been up and down.
Like I said in June, this guy's a hot manopausal mess and I'll be amazed if two women vote for him.
2. Rick Santorum, choad breath and spawn of Frisch's Big Boy and Phyllis Schlafly.
With this sparkling brand of charisma, he's got nowhere to go but guest-speaking at Marcus Bachmann's next NAMBLA-awareness convention at Penn State.
3. Ron Paul, or what happens when the Lollipop Guild rejects one of their own: that little Munchkin grows up bitter at the world and any institutional body who tries maintain order in it.
Honestly, there are so few remaining original Munchkins left from the Wizard of Oz, I'm shocked the movie studio would let one run for president. National treasures all of them!
4. Rouge Nylund, Minnesota's sharpest mind since cousin Rose left for Miami.
Michele Bachmann is a delight and I wish her well after the election when she and Gayle Haggard appear on "Wife Swap."
5. [BEEEEEEEEEEEELCH] Rick Perry.
America's tipsiest bride! (Why isn't this a show on VH1?) There has not been a recorded performance this good since Molly Ringwald's sister got married in Sixteen Candles. "Love the teapot!"
6. Mitt Romney, you cold, exotic Robo-GILF...
Donny Osmond wishes he had just one percent of Mitt's finesse. This is also Mitt's biggest problem, when Donny Osmond is the only person who envies him.
Have fun explaining your new giant California beach home to South Carolinian primary voters!
7. Jon Huntsman. I've called him a lot of things: "Lacrosse Dad" Sweatshirt Collector. CD-Romney, the weaker version of Mitt Romney's hard drive. Granny Osmond. But unlike the other Republican candidates, I've never called him fucking crazy. Plus he speaks Mandarin! He knows shit!
Look at this nurturer/caretaker. Whom among the remaining seven candidates can match this?
Sorry, that noise was my uterus singing "Firework."
Now, you don't have to be Wolf Blitzer's teleprompter to know Huntsman's biggest problem: no one knows who he is, and if they do, they think he's a Democrat. This is a tremendous general election strategy, not so much for the primaries in states where there's a high correlation between Rush Limbaugh call-ins and "showing up to vote."
Let's examine the environment Huntsman's running in to understand how he can own it:
1. A comparatively large field with one diminishing favorite (Romney) closely trailed by constantly shifting satellite candidates. With everyone's odds shifting so early, it's Romney's to lose.
2. The diminishing favorite is already pitting himself against the incumbent, thereby splitting his campaign funds between the President and all the other opponents. This is to position Romney as the rightful "heir" to the nomination, which is a dumb strategy so early in the primary game.
3. Enormous national dissatisfaction and disillusionment at Congress and both political parties. Probably the highest ever, according to fancy polls. I doubt anyone would disagree with this?
Given that: 1) there is a diminishing favorite; 2) the diminishing favorite has now chosen to split campaigning between two diametrically different sets of opponents, thus splitting messaging, time and money of which there is never, ever enough; and 3) dissatisfaction with both parties and institutions is at its highest levels in decades, I argue there is a not only a giant cornhole slot for a third-party candidate, but that this person can win the general election.
Third-party candidates are rare, but there was an important recent precedent set by one Mr. Ross Perot in 1992. Perot took one-fifth the popular vote -- one out of five, now look to your left and to your right -- thus taking an important chunk from President George H.W. Bush and clearing the electoral college for Clinton. (Full disclosure: Schoprah went as Ross Perot for Halloween in 1992. It was both creepy and adorable, like a show on TLC.)
It's clear why Republicans would be afraid of a third-party candidate, given what happened to Bush the Elder. However, with the Democratic incumbent's satisfaction ratings hovering in the mid-forties, a GOP candidate who appeals to the left like Huntsman would have the opposite impact of Perot's. A weak center-right candidate only adds to a third-party success.
But Huntsman is a Republican, running on the GOP party platform, right? Hardly. His candidacy has lacked legitimacy since it started. Is he CD-Romney? What are his priorities? Running as an independent in this election year would create immediate legitimacy and garner much needed Media spotlight from his switch. And there goes that pesky primary problem! Also: he's rich as f*ck and can pay for the damn thing himself, so check that off the to-do list.
On a less Poli Sci 201 note, our country has long turned to distant daddy types (Bush I and II, Reagan) in tough times. Romney is cut from the same cloth, though his is sewn into magic underwear. If we are not ready for a mama grizzly (I know, I know) but could accept a nurturing, more feminine style of male leadership in 2008, then we are certainly ripe for a supportive dad to help us get through this tough time.
Unless Danny Tanner decides to run, this leaves Jon Huntsman to fill the emotional role of presidential politics. Did I mention he speaks Mandarin and loves babies???
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