Wiki-Wiki-Wiki-Whaaat?

First, I hope all the Blergalicious readers had a wonderful and trans-fat-filled holiday. Of course, Gaybraham Lincoln created this day of thanks to rest and carbo-load for the real national holiday, Black Friday, so we can engage in our national sport, shopping, in our illustrious sporting arena, Kohls. 

Now on to the news. Have you heard about this WikiLeaks? Basically, my feelings about this little furrin' relations scandal can be summed up in this clip:



So let me get this straight: a creepy-ass probable-rapist Aussie dude name Julian Assange—emphasis mine—leaks a bunch of shit everyone in the State Department and affiliated with the State Department already knows. The press wigs out, the government, aka Hillary, pretends not to wig out while the press covers the government pretending not to wig out, and now Sarah Palin has a new shrill nugget to poop out. Get some pull-ups, America.

One thing is for certain: this is some Stefano DiMera shit. If you're uneducated, Stefano was the villain on Days of Our Lives. When I was 14, my cousin Liz and I snuck into Millionaire's Row at the Kentucky Derby and saw the actor who plays him eating crab cakes. Nearby were Sylvester Stallone and Jack Nicholson. Which creepy old dude's autograph do you think I clamored for?

You know who can get to the bottom of this and save us all from leakage and confusing reporting? Two words: John Black. (Seriously watch the whole clip, you will never see such acting in your life.)



THAT'S A FACT.

Schoprah's complaint

Those Google AdWords are really something. This comment was left on my Joel Klein post from November 11: 


Barby-Girls[/url][/b]
Barby-Girls is an Escort Agency providing female escorts services.
We have a full portfolio of the most elegant and stunning girls that you ever likely to meet in Israel. 


I've since deleted it, but nothing makes a girl feel better than knowing her blog is being spammed randomly by Semitic sex workers. But I guess that's what I get for using "Philip Roth" and "bad girl sex" in the same blog post... About the New York education system.  

The jig is up

Dear Blergalicious readers old and new,

Friday was my last day at the job I've had for the last two years. (Don't worry, I got a new one. The annoying GroupOn ads won't be coming back.) Because I don't poo where I snack, I didn't tell anyone. However, I do indeed snack while pooing—it's called multitasking—so I told a few of my former coworkers about this old here blerg and, to my surprise, they actually want to read it. Readership is literally up 50%! And this in a recession.

So former coworkers, please enjoy the site. And from the bottom of my heart, thanks for caring. Tell your friends! Also please don't look at the time of day posts went up. At least 'til I get my last paycheck. I hope this will help us keep in touch, because you're all super people.

Yours in Staying Connected,

Schoprah

If New York City's schoolkids will learn one thing, it will be how to find the best jeans for their body

Those of you who live outside the center of the universe might not know that New York City school chancellor Joel Klein resigned the other day. That's him to the left. (Side note: Joel Klein is what I picture every Philip Roth protagonist looks like.) Instead of working through Bloomie's third term, Nathan Zuckerman is leaving for a cushy job at Rupert Murdoch Was The Case They Gave Me's News Corp., where he'll try to sell crap to schools that they don't need.

The reason I care about this is because I have several friends who teach in New York City's public schools, a.k.a. they do God's work. The other reason is that I have an inexplicable but compelling love of NY1, the charmingly old-school NYC-focused news channel. I fall asleep to it, I wake to it; Pat Kiernan narrates my dreams. Pat and co. have been covering this shit non-stop. Erego...

Klein's replacement is a touchy issue. Without a doubt, any replacement would have pissed off someone. But I have to say the mayor's choice to lead the city's schools is absolutely radikaluss. Mystifying, even. Who is it? It's Cathie Black, the former Chairman of Hearst. You know, the publisher of esteemed titles such as Cosmo, Marie Claire, Redbook, Town and Country, and yes, the circle of life, O. She was also the publisher of USA Today, so at least our city's children will know how to read rainbow-colored infographs when they stay at a Best Western. She literally has no experience with education at all. Her own kids attend private boarding school and she went to Catholic school. (As an attendee of both parochial and public schools, I can tell you Catholic school is in NO WAY like public school. It's just not.)

But just think how great it is that our kids' future lies in the hands of the person who approved these coverlines:

I thought the nuns would have taught Cathie that all sex is bad girl sex.

You again

Yalie McFakesit is back on the scene. And how. He "wrote" a book called Decision Points, which sounds like the name of a Nicholas Cage movie where he and only he can to stop a terrorist bomb, but his skinny pregnant wife with perpetually mournful eyes is about to go into labor and there are decisions. To. Be. Made. Lots and lots of decisions.

By "wrote," I'm sure Yalie dictated rambling thoughts to some minion who schlepped the audio to a sadsack ghostwriter who couldn't sell his second novel. And notice the timing: Yalie's book is coming out juuuuuust after the midterm elections. Thanks, book publisher. Really, you guys are doing a heck of a job being members of the liberal media. Just great. Keep it up.

With all the fanfare surrounding W., I think I'll remind The Media (including Oprah, who appears to have a fawning interview with him on today, dammit emoticon) and you, dear readers, of just some of the stupid, ass-clown, paint-sniffing, chode-licking things he's done:

1) Actually expanded the federal government by broadening presidential powers, trying to change the Constitution to dictate which citizens can get married, and my favorite, No Child Left Behind, which instituted federal standards on local schools. What a model of conservatism—Ronald must be so proud. (Ass.)

2) Came into office with a federal budget surplus of $128 billion but managed to run up our deficit to $4 trillion in just eight years. That's a lot of hundies. Sadly, Uncle Sam doesn't have a daddy like Yalie McFakesit does to pay off his credit card bills. (Ass mat.)

3) Started a war under false and refutable circumstances. Running tally of Americans dead in Iraq to date: 4,427. Tally of Iraqis: no one fucking knows. And we're still there. (Ass tank)

4) In 2001, he let Osama bin Laden escape Tora Bora. We could of had this guy dead nine years ago had our beloved Mission Accomplished Man-Child not farmed out the job to our ENEMIES. (Ass wipe.)

5) Didn't serve in Vietnam for one second, allowed people to think he did. Patriotism! (Ass nerd.)

I'm sure his book will be number one on the bestseller list. Maybe Yalie will donate the proceeds to Walter Reed?

I suspected as much

Hillary basically admitted she has watched "Keeping Up With The Kardashians."  How else does a busy gal relax on a Sunday night before she has to read a pile of State Department memos?

She's such a Khloe.

Special Mathlicious Equation of the Day: Pity the TLC Publicists Edition

 

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