27 answers to the inevitable question you will be asked this Thanksgiving: "Why are you still single?"

Cue Beyonce. I forced Longtime to help me come up with 27 foolproof replies (no special meaning to this number whatsoever) to the inevitable question your relatives will ask you unattached gals at the kiddie dinner table on Thursday. Our helpful list:

Bowling. Pugs. "Hotel California" in Spanish.

The blerg mass index has been too high lately, so I thought I'd post this video of pug bowling. If you're at work, go ahead and turn up the volume—you need the soundtrack for effect. Just tell your boss it's "market research."



PS I replaced the lyrics to "Night Swimming" by REM with "Pug Bowling." Sing it for yourself.

I miss Longtime...

The best part of waking up is a raging defecit in your cup

This was the first story in the Bleeding Heart Newsletter this morning:

Wave of Debt Payments Facing U.S. Government

The oversize font is to illustrate the high number on the blerg mass index (BMI) upon reading it. Overwhelming. But then I read further and I realized like most articles in the B.H.N., it's total crap and this headline was meant to create hysteria. I'm going to break down the mistakes and point out why debt is the new bitch (formerly black) after the jump.

I've scraped myself off the floor

Nards. I know you've heard the bad news.

Longtime relayed the news to me approximately ten minutes after the story broke (special thanks to Schmatt for being on top of his game and emailing her the CNN link). I got text messages. I got emails. Messages of panic and messages of consolation.

Of course, I'm talking about the annoncement that my namesake is cancelling her show next year.

I feel like my childhood is dead. What the hell am I supposed to do from the hours of 1 to 2 am now? Watch Wendy Williams? In order to console myself, I got some highlights. I'm sure Tyra is doing backflips as we speak. I'll post more soon. I've just got to brush the Digiorno crumbs out of my hair first...

Live-blogging the Karen Walker, Alaska Ranger interview on Oprah (and by live, I mean from my DVR)

That's right, I'm watching the previously recorded interview with Sarah Palin and Tall on Oprah so you don't have to. Highlights after the jump.

60% of the time, it works 100% of the time

Hold on to your coat hangers, gals. The health care reform bill that passed the House of Representatives—if it passes the Senate—will become law and severely impede your ability to get a schmabortion. (Thanks Founding Fathers for this magnificently efficient bicameral legislative body we have. Only a real dick would create two members of the same body.)

Oh, didn't you hear about this sweeping reform? There's no public option. That's unfortunate. But wait. It get's better. There are some pretty cute restrictions tucked inside that our government put on child-bearing women and the men who knock them up, thanks to Representative Bart Stupak (D-Choadville):

—The amendment prohibits federal funds for abortion services
—It also prohibits individuals who receive affordability credits from purchasing a plan that provides elective abortions [Uh, is there any other kind? Not looking at you, China.]
—It allows individuals, both who receive affordability credits and who do not, to separately purchase with their own funds plans that cover elective abortions; private plans may still offer elective abortions

Since most insurance companies will participate in the new shit-show of a health care reform and 85% of them currently offer abortion coverage, the coverage will come to a halt. This leaves women who don't have the income of a Kardashian stuck up a creek. You know, the ones who need the right to control whether they become a parent the most. Smooth.
 
But then it gets better:

It's gon' rock yo world!

The 90's keep coming back. First the third installment of The "Three Men and A..." trilogy is being filmed, and now this:



Martin Lawrence and Jamie Foxx created two of my most favorite catchphrases of all time: Marh-in's "DAMN GINA" and Wanda's "I'm gon' rock yo world." Please note Wanda often said this on In Living Color whilst smearing lip gloss all over mouth.

Oh how I miss childhood...

An imaginary conversation with Cookie Fleck and Sarah Palin: The Sequel

[the outskirts of Central Park]

C: Alright, Sarah. Why did you fly Winky and me up to New York? Jerry is just beside himself back home without us.
S: When’s the last time we talked, Cookie?
C: Gosh, over a year ago?
S: Oh, you betcha you’re right. Oh man. I'm baaaaaaaa-aaaack! It feels great.
[Cookie scrunches face.]
C: Back? Were you ever gone?
S: Oh yeah. I've hiding out, writing my book, giving speeches, talkin' to Matt and Greta. My book is coming out soon, so I’m doin’ all the interviews I can. I’m doin’ the Oprah show and the View and Katie’s little program... I gotta move pages!
C: Wow. That’s, uh, that’s great Sarah. Let’s cut to the chase. You haven’t called me once since I saw you last time. What do you need?
[Sarah puts her arm around Cookie and lowers her voice.]

Beyond blerg

Pardon me readers, but I'm going to veer away from my usual silliness and talk about something which hopefully won’t reek of moral proselytizing.

Yesterday, Longtime and I talked about the horrible shootings at Fort Hood. (Side note: she’s trained in counseling, so she has tremendous insight into trauma situations, in addition to being one of the most calm, understanding and rational people I know.) I said how there were a few Facebook status updates expressing sympathy for the victims while calling the shooter “evil.” It pissed me off. First, it’s too soon to direct anger. We don't know enough. Second, if you were asked to describe Major Hasan last week, before he chose to buy a pistol and shoot dozens of innocent people, you would have called him a hero and a patriot based on his resume alone. Terrorists—and that's what he is now—are not born. Something happened over the last eight years, whether it was PTSD or loneliness or both. Third: I hate the word evil in almost any context. Evil is a simple word that simple people use to describe something they don’t like. “What’s evil anyway?” Longtime noted. “It’s just a word George W. Bush used.” There you have it.

We talked about the senselessness of guns. I noted that the Major didn’t use a military-issued weapon to kill everyone; he used a store-bought pistol that can fire several rounds of ammunition. Longtime wisely pointed out: “If people didn't have guns, they wouldn't SHOOT PEOPLE.” I’ve never understood why our government outlaws murder but allows the one tool—a handgun—whose sole function is to kill. (Notice I’m not talking about rifles. I have no problem with hunting guns, because you cannot hide a rifle in a pocket or underneath a jacket. Also, common hunting rifles are created for sport; most of them don’t fire automatic rounds of bullets.) Repealing the second amendment is not the answer either, because any precedent that takes away from the Constitution is a bad idea—it's a slippery slope from removing the second amendment to removing the amendment that let my grandmother vote.

Longtime and my conversation took an even more serious tone when she told me about a student at the school where she works who was shot and killed the day after Halloween. She attended his vigil. Francisco Valencia was a Latino kid from the inner city, an honor student and a campus leader who had nothing but potential; he worked on Obama’s campaign in Iowa and wanted to give back to his community after graduation. He was at the wrong place at the wrong time when a gang member—someone his own age no doubt—opened fire at a party. Now, his family is left with a wound that will never heal and the world will never know his gifts. (DePaul University is establishing a scholarship fund in his name that will be managed by Multicultural Student Affairs. Checks can be mailed to DePaul University Student Affairs, Suite 306, 2250 N. Sheffield Ave., Chicago 60614.)

While people in Texas, Chicago, Virginia Tech, Columbine, and all over our country mourn their loved ones who’ve been the victims of shootings, we’re still the only developed nation in the world that allows its citizens buy weapons of imminent destruction. We'll never be rid of guns—it’s too late—but acquiescence is the opposite of prevention.

Fisher House - Helping Military Families

Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence

It's going to a be a blockbuster

Oh my God. They're making a sequal to Three Men and a Little Lady! It's called Three Geriatrics and a Bridezilla.

I used to rent TMAALL every weekend with my childhood friend. In fact, if you asked the nice lady who worked at the Red Giraffe store near my house, I know she'd remember us. We used to call the store every Friday afternoon to make sure they had copies of TMAALL, The Little Mermaid, and The Witches. Then we'd watch them and create plays about the Persian Gulf war, usually ending in my friend as Dan Rather narrating my heroic death after killing Saddam. (Even then, readers. Even then.)

If you haven't seen any of these films, go right now and download them. TMAALL is where I learned the phrase "Fish or cut bait," which I say all the time.

My two requests for the filmmakers is 1) that they put Miss Lomax in the sequal. I didn't get anything she said back then, but when I watched it in college I laughed my ass off. Also I saw her in a play last year and she looked exactly the same:












My other request is that they allow Tom Selleck to maintain his 'stache. And that Ted Danson have a more pivotal role. He is underrated.

And one more request, actually: if the three dads don't get to rap a lullaby, I will boycott.

American ingenuity is alive and well!

Take note, auto industry and United States Congress:



This is going to increase efficiency at Chi Chi's and taco stands all across America. But seriously, I just saw this commercial on TV and I nearly fell off my chair with excitement. What took the fine folks at Old El Paso Kraft Foods Inc. so long??

This is also going to have enormous impact on sales of my burrito tri-pod (patent pending).

OLE!!!!

From the desk of... The Hoff

Dear [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELCH] Readers,

No autographs. Please. And no "don't hassle the Hoff" jokes. Unless you want to buy the tee-shirt. The Knight Rider residuals aren't coming in like they used to. Goddamn friggin' YouTube...

Oh, right. The reason I'm writing: so Germans hate the NBC program 30 Rock. It got a ZERO in the ratings when the show debuted last week. I've been brought on as a special consultant to help them win over the hearts and minds of the German people. (As long as my urine tests are clean, natch.) I will share with you what I told Tina Fey: Buy some bleach, lose the black guy, and wear more turtlenecks. Also: fire that black Irish bastard Alec Baldwin. I'm free to take over for him when America's Got Talent is on hiatus. 

You know another NBC show that didn't do so well over in the Fatherland? Hint: it rhymes with Rhinefeld. Now, before you go calling my and Schoprah's ancestral people racists, hear me out. Just because you put a bunch of neurotic brown-eyed Jewish people on a show doesn't mean it's funny. You have to bring the comedy. American sarcasm and deadpan doesn't play out so well when translated into the world's most passionate language. There's a reason these people spit so much when they talk. They FEEL IT, MAN. It's why they love my music.

You know what show they do love? CSI. A show about victims. So what you need, 30 Rock, are more storylines about suffering. And redemption. Because that, after all, is what my and the 21st century German narrative is about.

Also, if there are any Berliners reading this: you can look forward to my next made-for-television movie, Baywatch 2: Triumph of the Swill. It'll air on channel zwei tomorrow at drei o'clock.

Stay clean,

Der Hoffmeister