Something to display next to my Precious Moments collection

Oh dear. One of the ads on my Gmail feeder was this "collectors' item" doll made by the Danbury Mint Company. We all know that those ads are specifically targeted. (You don't even want to know the ads that appear when you type the word "triangulation.")

Have I hit rock bottom in my long-documented obsession with Jackee O? Probably. I didn't need an ad to tell me that.

I believe the culprit of this ad was the G-chat conversation I had recently with my friend Schmalison about an article she sent me about the endless comparison of Michelle Obama to Claire Huxtable. (Side note: I'll see her tomorrow in Atlantic City for a schmachelorette party. See you tomorrow, Schmal! Save some PBR for me.)

Here is the transcript:

Alison: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31440777/ns/entertainment-washington_post/

Claire Huxtable puts even Michelle Obama to shame

9:52 AM me: well, claire is a benchmark

9:53 AM i dont know how i feel about the comparison, though

Alison:I'm glad you put an 'e' on Clair

I like the way that looks so much better

me: well, it's been said before, but i know that writer is black, so she can get away with making that comparison a bit more than you or i could

9:54 AM also: its like, yay, black women have an unattainable, "perfect" figurehead too

i dont know if thats such a good thing all the time

9:55 AM but yes, people need to realize Claire's name is spelled with an 'e'

this is a really good article—thanks for sending it. i was looking for procrastination :)

9:56 AM Alison: I do think that there are not enough positive black role models on TV, but I wish there was a real woman she could be compared to instead of a fictional character

me: i know!

9:57 AM well, there is... hehe, Oprah...

your fave

Alison: I know, I know

but she's not at Obama/Huxtable level*

me: it is ridiculous that there are no black women or any women of color who get significant media time

9:58 AM Alison: that's very true

and the one who did was bush's puppet

me: u know!

condoleezza rice, man

9:59 AM i do think it's good that we can hold her to the same standards as anyone else, i just wish she didn't aid and abet a war criminal...

10:01 AM she seems like a real weirdo, you know? like, i bet she has some effed-up, crazy skeletons in her closet

or at least i hope she does

(PS, can i excerpt part of our g-chat for Blergalicious??)

10:02 AM Alison: yes

Alison: man, this is really going to bother me that other than Oprah and Michelle there are no strong black female leaders

10:03 AM Maya Angelou is getting too old

me: well, there are, they just don't get any press

in college, i interviewed Mary Francis Berry, who was the chair of the Civil Rights Commission and now works at Penn

she was pretty bad-ass (she is black, duh)

10:04 AM but i have never seen her on TV, or being interviewed as an expert on CNN

Alison: the mayor's wife of philly, Lisa Nutter, is head of a non-profit educational organization that rocks

She gets some local publicity

me: hehehe Nutter

10:05 AM sorry i love that last name

b/c it rhymes with Butter

and it makes me think of South Park

"Buttuhs!"

Alison: haha

10:06 AM me: and Susan Rice, the UN person

she's baller**

10:07 AM Alison: I've been so bad at current events this spring

I just haven't had any time to actually read up

me: well, you don't have the opportunity to procrastinate at work like i do

Alison: I've joined the disinterested citizenry

10:08 AM me: que??

Alison: or maybe I feel like now Obama's there and I can relax a little

me: que es esto??

yeah

Alison: while with Bush, there was no relaxing whatsoever

10:09 AM me: i spent 8 years being pissed off

now it's much better

and it makes me so mad that everyone's giving Obama shit for not fixing the economy in FIVE MONTHS

and it's not even his to fix!

10:10 AM Alison: tru dat

me: oh crap, brb

Alison: I mean, why can't he fix in 5 months the economy it took 8 years to destroy

me: my old boss who was fired is here!

oh phew, hes; not coming over, i thought he was

10:11 AM so are you all ready for atlantic city??

Alison: I am!

I'm so excited

I can't wait to drink

and see the ocean

10:12 AM me: haha

we're gonna play some blackjack

get free drinks

10:13 AM Alison: you are obsessed with black jack

I've never been to AC, have you?

10:14 AM me: yes, i've been

and the three times i've played, i've tripled my money***

sooo

Alison: whoa

you are good

me: i don't want to kill this streak

hehe

10:15 AM one of those times was in argentina

10:16 AM Alison: will you bring your Argentina pictures?

me: sure, hehe. i'll set up a projector and make everyone watch

*Alison and I have an understanding about her distaste for Oprah. She doesn't bring it up and I don't ask.
** UPDATE: I forgot Longtime's fave Donna Brazile!
*** Jinx.

A Blergalicous Tribute to Michael Jackson

It just feels untoward not to address the passing of Michael Jackson. I was perusing his videos on YouTube, and was struck by not only his amazing finesse as a dancer, but by how you will never see music videos like his ever again. Side note: I'm not even sure they make music videos anymore. His videos were jacked up. (Get it?) Remember this little ditty, Black or White?

YouTube won't let me embed it, but here are some screen grabs:

Starts off with some lions. Why not?

Then some aborigines show up for the dance off.

Then NORM! drops in from the sky.

Now we're in India. By the way, wasn't this song released the same year as Aladdin?

And now Kevin McCallister is rapping. Obviously.

This dude's facial hair is amazing.

Jirmack Bounce Back Beautiful Hair! Whaaat? How'd they do that? He was a black guy! PS, this is Austin from Days of Our Lives. I'm 98% sure.

I have a pop culture hangover.

I prefer to remember Michael from his Jackson Five days, because I used to sing "I Want You Back" to my baby dolls when I was little, and it reminds you how much freaking talent this kid had and how his "heirs" are nothing in comparison. (I'm looking at you Usher.)

In the immortal words of Dionne Warwick...

Hang in durr, Shopes!

Few are immune to work woes! That's why god invented the interwebs.

Mathlicious equation of the day!

- (snow) =

Please go away and raise your children. Thaaanks.

Longtime and Schoprah in sixty years... If we're lucky

Yes, it's another Betty White post, but you are lucky I'm enlightening you to the glory that is Betty so shuddup. Check out this article on Betty White and Cloris Leachman, two asSASSins of comedy. These two are pretty much the coolest betches around. I'll paste some choice excerpts in case you're too lazy to click on the link I've thoughtfully included.

This also seems ripe for a lady mag quiz. Are you a Cloris or a Betty? Find out!

1. Even their choice of hair-and-makeup artists is revealing. For Leachman, who cheerfully warbles Some Enchanted Evening as her eye shadow is applied, it's a tall, dark Ty Pennington look-alike. For White, it's a cute blonde in jeans and cowgirl boots.

Hmmm. I wouldn't let a Ty Pennington look-alike and a tube of lipstick come within ten feet of my face. I'm a Betty. Moving on:

2. Leachman exudes sophisticated style in pleated black palazzo pants, save for the not-exactly-Prada house slippers hidden underneath, and a blue-and-green print top that hugs her still-impressive figure. White aims for an understated suburban matron look, whose boldest statements are her gold jewelry and an ample designer purse.

I already dress like a suburban matron, so check two in Betty's column. (Longtime, I think you're Cloris on this one.)

3. Leachman clearly revels in being the center of attention, flitting about and fooling around. White is more subtle in her humorous asides and feigned grimaces.

Yeahno, it's a clean sweep in Cloris's column for me. Longtime is obvs Betty.

3. Leachman asks for a half Bloody Mary, whose celery she gnaws throughout the meal. White, who is taping Ferguson's show afterward ("He can't take his eyes off of me," she says), sticks with Diet Coke. Still, Leachman insists that she take a sip of her cocktail.

Cloris wins again.

4. Each picks the chopped salad. "No bacon," says Leachman, a vegetarian. "No dressing," says White, a minimalist. "No dressing?" says Leachman, stunned by the idea of naked lettuce. "What's wrong with you?" "I just don't like it," White says. Leachman not only drenches her food in dressing, she asks for extra while shaking on disturbing amounts of salt and pepper.

Cloris, sisterfriend, I carry tabasco sauce in my purse. It's like looking in a mirror.

5. White also enjoyed meeting Bullock's biker-baron husband, Jesse James. "They are crazy about each other," she says, although she was put off by the ex-Monster Garage host's full-arm tattoos. "I'm not a big fan."

Me too Betty! (Except on feet.) I'm back in your corner.

6. Leachman recently has entered the world of celebrity-sanctioned fashions. The signature piece on clorisline.com: flowy chiffon tunics in floral and animal prints. "They come to your knees, but you can tie it," she says. "It looks so pretty. Just tie it, put on some jewelry, go out to dinner and get drunk."

Oh God, Cloris, it's like we're the same person.

7. "If I get four good hours a night, that's plenty for me," White says. "I'm up until 1 o'clock. And I wake up at 5:30-6 o'clock in the morning." "I think that's disgusting," Leachman says. "I get 10 hours, that is for sure. And then I take a nap. I love my bed."

Betty and I share the same sleep patterns. But I do love naps. (Longtime, you're with Cloris on this one—you're an Olympic napper.)

8. When it's suggested it was lucky Leachman was available for lunch in between all that snoozing, she says, "You'll get me if you're lucky — and if you feed me."

Cloris, my sentiments exactly.

The tally:

Betty 4, Cloris 4. Tough call.

And what has your boss done for you lately?

I bet she didn't give you a free, all-expenses paid trip to Barcelona... (Goddammit Longtime—get me an interview at Harpo!)

In Soviet Russia...

Tracks lay down YOU.

Enjoy these Russian album covers! But NO smiling.

and my personal favorite:

"rock out with your conch out"

Klëvo!

I dare you not to love Betty White

Do yourself and humanity a favor: just go read this article in today's New York Times about the ultimate Golden Girl. 

Ahem, my favorite excerpt:

“Is there anything left that you would really like to do?” she [friend] asked.
“Robert Redford,” Ms. White answered instantaneously.

Preach on sisterfriend! And just because you needed more evidence she's the shit, here's a video of her playing beer pong against Jimmy Fallon:

Sorry Longtime...

Gisele Bündchen Is Pregnant - People.com

That kid is going to be so ugly.

A startling discovery

I'm so sorry to do this to you all on a Friday, but I just had a realization that shook me to the core.

Detective Robert Goren from Law & Order: Criminal Intent is THOR (aka Mr. Dawson) from Adventures in Babysitting! Thor is Detective Goren! Finkle, Einhorn, Finkle,Einhorn.

Vincent D'Onofrio used to be hot(ish)!

I can't believe it!

Announcing a new contest!

According to Google Analytics, our readership is down 2 percent. Rather than blame or intimidate you like usual, I thought I'd use this as an OPPORTUNITY to spread our blerg de vivre and drive readership. Marketing is a science, after all.

It is with great fanfare that I announce the first-annual "Mirror Mirror On The Wall, Who's the Blergiest One of All?" contest.

(The mirror has two blergs.)

Unemployed? Ridden with debt? Got a cold sore? Farted in the elevator next to your boss? You let us know why your life is is the blergiest, and Schoprah will not only post your response but I will also buy you a $10 Chipotle gift card. You have it in writing. (Leave your entries in our contest section. I'll be in touch if you live out of state.)

Go! All four of you get commenting!

Speaking of Distinguished Gentleman crushes...

Mentioning Longtime's D.G.C. crush got my mind wandering... Has anyone had a look at Paul Pelosi, Mr. Nancy Pelosi?


So the Google Images pickings are pretty slim, but I say: guh-damn. It's like Robert Redford and Tony Danza had a baby. Here are some more images if you're into GILFs like we are:

Behind every powerful woman... is a rich husband. No, that can't be right.

Prom King and Queen of Shady Pines.


Um, now we know why they have five children. There's a reason Madame Speaker always has a grin and a thousand-yard stare on her face.