Longtime and Schoprah in sixty years... If we're lucky

Yes, it's another Betty White post, but you are lucky I'm enlightening you to the glory that is Betty so shuddup. Check out this article on Betty White and Cloris Leachman, two asSASSins of comedy. These two are pretty much the coolest betches around. I'll paste some choice excerpts in case you're too lazy to click on the link I've thoughtfully included.

This also seems ripe for a lady mag quiz. Are you a Cloris or a Betty? Find out!

1. Even their choice of hair-and-makeup artists is revealing. For Leachman, who cheerfully warbles Some Enchanted Evening as her eye shadow is applied, it's a tall, dark Ty Pennington look-alike. For White, it's a cute blonde in jeans and cowgirl boots.

Hmmm. I wouldn't let a Ty Pennington look-alike and a tube of lipstick come within ten feet of my face. I'm a Betty. Moving on:

2. Leachman exudes sophisticated style in pleated black palazzo pants, save for the not-exactly-Prada house slippers hidden underneath, and a blue-and-green print top that hugs her still-impressive figure. White aims for an understated suburban matron look, whose boldest statements are her gold jewelry and an ample designer purse.

I already dress like a suburban matron, so check two in Betty's column. (Longtime, I think you're Cloris on this one.)

3. Leachman clearly revels in being the center of attention, flitting about and fooling around. White is more subtle in her humorous asides and feigned grimaces.

Yeahno, it's a clean sweep in Cloris's column for me. Longtime is obvs Betty.

3. Leachman asks for a half Bloody Mary, whose celery she gnaws throughout the meal. White, who is taping Ferguson's show afterward ("He can't take his eyes off of me," she says), sticks with Diet Coke. Still, Leachman insists that she take a sip of her cocktail.

Cloris wins again.

4. Each picks the chopped salad. "No bacon," says Leachman, a vegetarian. "No dressing," says White, a minimalist. "No dressing?" says Leachman, stunned by the idea of naked lettuce. "What's wrong with you?" "I just don't like it," White says. Leachman not only drenches her food in dressing, she asks for extra while shaking on disturbing amounts of salt and pepper.

Cloris, sisterfriend, I carry tabasco sauce in my purse. It's like looking in a mirror.

5. White also enjoyed meeting Bullock's biker-baron husband, Jesse James. "They are crazy about each other," she says, although she was put off by the ex-Monster Garage host's full-arm tattoos. "I'm not a big fan."

Me too Betty! (Except on feet.) I'm back in your corner.

6. Leachman recently has entered the world of celebrity-sanctioned fashions. The signature piece on clorisline.com: flowy chiffon tunics in floral and animal prints. "They come to your knees, but you can tie it," she says. "It looks so pretty. Just tie it, put on some jewelry, go out to dinner and get drunk."

Oh God, Cloris, it's like we're the same person.

7. "If I get four good hours a night, that's plenty for me," White says. "I'm up until 1 o'clock. And I wake up at 5:30-6 o'clock in the morning." "I think that's disgusting," Leachman says. "I get 10 hours, that is for sure. And then I take a nap. I love my bed."

Betty and I share the same sleep patterns. But I do love naps. (Longtime, you're with Cloris on this one—you're an Olympic napper.)

8. When it's suggested it was lucky Leachman was available for lunch in between all that snoozing, she says, "You'll get me if you're lucky — and if you feed me."

Cloris, my sentiments exactly.

The tally:

Betty 4, Cloris 4. Tough call.